Not enough Mutch

A Lindsay Mutch tribute site

April wit from the Mutch boy

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This is a collection of witticisms, observations and Mutchisms collected in April by a fan.


I nearly drowned after trying to use a great dane as a breathing device. That’s the last time I go Scoobie diving.



I’ve joined an agency dedicated to the promotion of stupid people. It’s called the Witless Projection Programme.  

Roll on 4pm. Then you’ll all have to beer with me. 🙂

I keep a secret dairy. It’s like a secret diary, but it’s filled with cows.  

I’ve developed a new arcade game. You put your money in and nothing happens. It’s called Space Evaders.

They advised me to take a novel approach to the situation. I said no thanks, I’d rather take a non-fiction approach.

I’m such a bad cook, I couldn’t even get the sun to set.

I killed a chicken. It was murder most fowl.

The difference between a line graph and a pornograph is that the latter has a triple-X axis.

Remember the boyband Five? It would have been great if one of them had been named Juan. Lots of “Juan in Five believes aliens exist” jokes.

So… is the Fortune 500 a NASCAR event?

Does it concern anybody else that many New Zealanders pronounce “Tua” and “tour” exactly the same way?

No power in Wellington. Damn. We’re turning into Auckland.

Strange that if you’re over the hill you’re old, but if you’re over the moon you’re happy. I think the hill’s much lower than the moon.

Always aim low… that way when you come up with something genuinely good, everyone’s surprised 😉

I don’t know why they call them chop sticks… it took me hours to fell a tree with one.

I’ve decided to become a fitness trainer for evil spirits … that’s right, I’ll be exercising demons. 🙂

I used to be a mad scientist … now I’m just moderately irritated.

 I asked for an inspirational quote. She said: “$15.95 plus tax.”

I’m an apthiest. I don’t believe in bees.  

I had a butterfly once. But every time I saw a cute girl my pants fell down.

I have this great idea for a pyramid scheme. If everyone on Twitter sends me $1… um, the plan hasn’t really evolved past that point…

An orca just ate my seal of approval.

My train of thought just hit a cow and de-railed

You can now buy really cheap monkeys. Hell, they’re practically gibbon them away.

I can’t help it. I always read “therapist” as two words.

My mates used to throw baseball caps on the tops of houses to mark where the pretty girls lived. That’s right: Hats on a hot teen’s roof.

Don’t judge me because I’m beautiful. Judge me because I’m weird.

My life lacks direction. But it’s got an excellent script.

Last night I dreamt I fell asleep. So I was asleep dreaming that I was asleep. I had to wake up twice! Mine is a weird reality.  

“It was a distorted monstrous thing of many heads, none of which were pretty.” — constructive criticism from a workmate

US to NZ translation: US “broiler” = NZ “grill”. US “grill” = NZ “barbecue”. I hope this helps.

If I ever get to name a volcano, I’m going to call on my Icelandic friends.

If that Islamic cleric is right and scantily dressed women cause earthquakes, then California is in more trouble than we thought.

Dynamite. Or Dyna might not. You can’t tell with Dyna.

Only uranium will truly make your skin glow.

Rule of thumb: The higher the cc rating, the fewer the brain cells of the person driving it  

I hold myself to a lower standard. 🙂


Written by billoby

September 5, 2010 at 8:30 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

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